11 Months!

Eleven months old today!!

  • Number of teeth: two!!
  • Mostly seen: CRAWLING, climbing up on stuff, chasing the dog
  • Loves: any FOOD (any!), and to eat!
  • Dislikes: anyone NOT sharing food
  • with her!
  • Favorite foods: vanilla wafers, applesauce, and steamed carrots
  • Favorite thing: monster toy that spits out balls
  • 27 3/4″ tall
  • 17lbs
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New year, new Ava

Just in the last two weeks or so… maybe three… Ava has grown so much! She’s crawling ALL over the place. Discovering the world around her. Getting into everything. She’s developed her own little personality. She’s not just baby-ish anymore. She’s learning so much and doing so much. She’s laughing at things like she didn’t before. Repeating sounds and movements that we do. Becoming her own little tiny person. It’s so amazing to watch.

Wonder.

She crawls in and out of the door of her little house. She’s learning to get in and out of her rocking chair on her own. Her favorite toy seems to be the little monster that laughs and runs around the room spitting out balls for her to chase. She giggles at him and tries to gather the balls.

Also, I can’t capture a photo because I have to fight her to even see in person… but she’s finally got teeth! Two front teeth! Not for Christmas, but for New Year’s! Yay! No baby dentures!

♥️ Those eyes! ♥️

Joy & Sorrow

I can’t think of any better way to describe what 2018 has been for me.

Joy. Sorrow.

Joy & Sorrow.

This year has been the worst best year of my life.

So many changes this year. So many! Good and bad.

I can’t even imagine how my mama feels after this year.

January: She lost her husband. (I miss my daddy!) Unimaginable grief.
February: She wrecked and totaled her car. (8 days after daddy died) She was left with HORRIBLE bruising and several days off work. Not to mention the exact same doctor that treated Daddy in the hospital showed up.
Her granddaughter was born–on her birthday! JOY!!
March: Late husband’s birthday. Hard day. Started sorting through his belongings at home.
May: Kidney stones. Lithotripsy procedure.
June: Fragment stones from lithotripsy sent her back to the ER with pain. Again, same doctor that treated Daddy. Sigh.
Found out she was losing her job. (The store she was at closed last October. She moved to one nearly an hour away and had to drive too far to get there for eight months! Now, that one was closing too and she was left officially unemployed.)
July: Last day at her job of nearly 30 years. TWO more lithotripsy surgeries.
August: STILL recovering from lithotripsy–REALLY big stone! Still no job.
September: No water at home for a while. Hurricane Florence.
October: Almost had a job… But fell through.
November: Tough Thanksgiving emotionally.
December: First Christmas without Daddy. Enough said.

For me, having Ava here who needs me made picking up and moving on without him a little easier. After all, I had no choice. I had to. She needs her mama. In a million ways, it’s also made things so much harder. Learning to be a parent and learning to live without one at the same time has been super hard. I miss Daddy SO much. I hate that Ava doesn’t get to know him. I hate that he never got to watch her grow. (That said, I think his presence may be here in our home… But that’s a story for later.) If ONE more person says to any of us, “I know it’s been tough, but look what you got out of it!” I’m going to lose it. Meaning that Ava was somehow worth all of the heartache? One person can’t replace another. I know that’s not what people mean. They mean well and simply don’t know what else to say… But please, stop saying that. Please. Especially to my mama. Please.

It’s been… a ride, that’s for sure.

2019, please be nicer to my family than 2018 has been.

Ava’s First Christmas

Ava’s first Christmas went well. She got way too many toys–especially from Aunt Lauren. She doesn’t even know what to do with them all.img_20181225_11433579372783303522609552.jpg

She wasn’t too into the present unwrapping. She was kind of interested… but then just wanted to eat the paper so… we mostly unwrapped for her. I expected it to be that way.

She got her own cellphone, her own car keys, her own tv, tv remote, pocket book… I asked her if she was moving out! Then, we got to her Nana & Papa’s house… and they gave her a house of her own!!

Seriously, today’s toys are nothing like they were when I was a kid. It’s crazy. This house is a “smart house.” It talks to her about the weather. There’s a place for her to plug in an “electric” car! (Of course, the car is sold separately! Haha.)

Our house has been a disaster since, but it was worth her squeals of delight.

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We took Ava to see Santa. She certainly wasn’t afraid of him. She was curious. He called her a boy, but we forgave him. Haha. He was a busy man! Too many names to remember, right?

Today, I’m thankful for the decorations finally being down and my house back to normal… Well, looks more like a toy store now though, if that’s normal…

For me, Christmas wasn’t as hard as I thought it would be. I think that’s because I stayed home. I didn’t have to go to my mama’s house and look at Daddy’s empty chair. That would have been too much. Too hard.Christmas 2018

We survived.

It was nice. I’m so thankful for the people in our lives that help us create such precious memories.

Disclosure

Full disclosure here friends, family…

Christmas is rapidly approaching. The end of the year is near.
I’m just ready for it all to be over.  It’s hard. It’s stressful. There’s an empty chair. I’m not ready to “celebrate” with that void. My heart is still broken. Today, I’m not okay.  Yes, there have been AMAZINGLY happy moments this year. I am still incredibly blessed. That doesn’t negate how incredibly hard this year has been.

Today, once again, I can feel the weight of depression on my shoulders. The anxiety is thick. It’s heavy. It’s feels like a cloud of darkness that I can see creeping my way. No matter how hard I try, I know it’s coming and I can’t stop it. Makes me so tired.

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Tomorrow, I hope and pray that I’m okay. Today, I’m not okay.
Please forgive me if I seem extra down… grumpy… moody… weepy…  whatever. And if you would, please toss a few extra prayers, good vibes, etc. my way?

bad-life
Note to self

 

Chompers

So… Ava is ten months old now. Still has zero teeth. I’m trying so hard to NOT be that worrying parent. I don’t get up and check on her a million times during the night. I don’t worry about her crawling on the floor or eating dirt. I mean, I worry about big things… but I try not to be one of those overbearing worry-wort parents. I also try not to compare her to other kids. I know that kids grow at all different rates. Some walk early, some don’t. Some talk early and clearly, some don’t. Comparing will only make someone feel bad. So, I try not to!!

That said… I’m a little concerned that Ava has no teeth yet! I keep having nightmares about having to buy her baby dentures! That means that as she grows, we’ll have to keep buying more and more sets of baby dentures of different sizes… which will certainly be expensive…

lil chompers

Will she be the laughing stock of the playground?
Oh, welcome to parenthood…

10 MONTHS!

Somehow, this little miracle of ours is TEN months old today!!!

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  • 10 months old
  • Number of teeth: 0
  • Mostly Seen: (STILL) drooling & trying to stand up
  • Loves: Her PRECIOUS little DADA! (Mama isn’t jealous… Much.)
  • Dislikes: Anything she can’t eat! Haha!
  • Favorite Foods: Crackers… But really anything!
  • Favorite Things: Her baby doll & her tag blanket from Aunt Brittany
  • 27.5 in. tall
  • 17 lbs